another day
still no job
i had another phone interview today
i’m not sure it went well
weird questions
whatever
i’m a bit unnerved with the phone interview concept
made me think about
how much i utilize body language in answering questions
is that the behavior of a survivor of abuse i wonder?
knowing when to talk and when to shut up based solely on what someone’s body language is telling me?
hmmm
anyhow

i’m going a bit stir crazy
and
feeling a bit more
down
everyday

all the possibilities
and all the irons in the fires
all the waiting

it’s difficult
i portray that i’m much more calm than my stomach would truly reveal

some days
i don’t miss him
some days
it feels like a hot iron in my heart
burning
i’m ready for there to be more days
cold
than burning
and i wish i could explain
maybe just to myself even
what it is i miss…

unemployment tells me i may have a shot at getting extended benefits
another
waiting
iron in the fire

i have a bridal shower to go to this weekend
and
no money to buy a gift
nor
to pay for the extended party after the party
and
that makes me feel like shit
can i say that outloud?
but i’m going
further into credit card debt

tomorrow will be the one month mark
for my return to cali
and i wish i could say it’s been a great month
but
i can’t
truly

i’m afraid
can i admit that outloud?
i’m afraid, i’m scared to fucking death
there
i said it