i wonder if anyone comes here any longer
i don’t have a tracker so i can’t tell
i visit here often
in my mind at least

i’m as quiet in real life right now
as i am here

things have spun out of control a bit
and i suppose
most days
i’m grasping for some sort of grip
but it’s like trying to get a grip on a wall of ice
gasping for air

i’m good at beating myself up
i’ve been working overtime at this it would seem
this mistake
monumental
and i suppose
i feel a bit stupid
and oh so fucking wrong
afraid to trust myself anymore
my own decisions seem…

there’s a part of me that feels that mother guilt once more
when i was little
we moved constantly
my father would come up with where he believed the pot of gold was located
and
off we would go
i guess i feel like i repeated my mother’s pattern
in this following
i guess i wanted to believe
that he could love me enough
that we could make it
twice divorced has a bitter flavor
but
not more so than what i’m living right now
i’ve discovered

i’ve taken myself
lower
than i’ve ever been
i’ve an appointment on tuesday with a doctor
for something else
but
the topic of antidepressants is something i intend to bring up
i find myself drinking far too much alcohol
which is a complete and utter clusterfuck since alcohol is a mood enhancer
just what i need
something to take me even further down

i’ll be spending valentines day in california
and
if luck works my way
i’ll be traveling there for this visit alone
i’ll be staying with C
i’ve a trip to the beach planned
toes in the sand time - regardless of how cold it may turn out to be

my tank is on empty
no doubts about that
i cry most everyday
i suppose that’s part of the reason i don’t come here to write
who the hell wants to read that self-imposed misery
it truly is my own fault so who am i to complain?
i’ve always considered myself both strong and flexible
and i suppose i’m ashamed to admit
i’m broken
i’ve snapped
the mending will take a little more time this time
but i do believe the healing will take place
as sure as oxygen continues to flow into my lungs