for skygirl
yes, they really do this…

no word on the job
i’m still searching online for one
i’m considering submitting my app for another one that may work as well
not nearly as well as the one i’ve applied for
and
i’ve found a couch on craigslist
if they will take my offer

i’m amazed at how quickly the seesaw balance of our marriage
has bounced back to this
and yet
not

pleaseletmegetthatjob
pleaseineedthatjob
mantra
flowing through my thoughts every few minutes or so
pleasepleaseplease
ineedthatjob

i won’t say her name
though i know she will read this
her words this morning
echoing
my thoughts all day yesterday
i have not been fully naked in front of my husband for years
sex between us has been with a shirt on, a nightgown
he walked in months ago while i was bathing
my instant reaction was to cover up
he spoke to me for a few moments
and then said,
“you don’t have to cover up in front of your husband…”
then he walked away

i know that some of the issue that we deal with is my self esteem
fear of being unloved
makes me stretch my own boundaries
so sure that if i stick hard and solid to them
they
he
won’t love me
and what i always fail to realize
is that if he truly loved me
he would allow me my boundaries
he is offended by my need to keep a pillow to my side while i sleep
he makes fun of my ever repeated need to lock the doors to my house
he sleeps through my ever waking hours

he fails to notice that he has not seen my naked body for years
having babies
getting older
getting heavier
i am harder on myself than need be
i do realize
and really
i don’t want to be beautiful for the masses
i’d like to be beautiful for just one
that would be more than enough for me
one man who would find me pretty
and sexy even
forever
for more than just the beginning…

my mind flashes back to that line in that movie
“tell me what they do…”
“they ignore me”

can i admit outloud to you?
will you think less of me?
is it possible to be addicted to another persons flesh?
something about the feel of his back against my palm
my fingertips brushing through the hair on his chest
his skin against my lips
his cock pressed deep inside
i will miss that
the last time we had sex
months ago now
i closed my eyes
allowed myself the pleasure
in the breathless aftermath
i cried
so sad for all the potential
so sad for all that is lost
he kissed me and rolled over
never asking why i was crying
and i know when i leave he will ask why i’m not crying
forgetting the tears i shed before

my sistah has a man who reads to her
damn lucky she is
what i love the most is that he obviously sees in her what we all know

what i wouldn’t give for a man who would read to me
a man who would see me
really
touch me
flesh and soul

there are times i get sad at the thought of being alone
and other times
most times really
alone seems such a comfort

pleaseineedthatjob
pleaseletmegetthatjobplease
please