i suppose it makes sense
when you’re in a position where the basic necessities are at risk
anything else seems…
silly

worries about
how am i gonna pay my rent
how will i buy groceries
how
will
i

i spent saturday day and evening
celebrating C’s soon-to-be marriage
she’s excited
and we had fun
dancing the night away
despite the older man who felt it okay to run his hand underneath the back of my shirt even when we had never made eye contact
despite her friends who got too drunk to have fun
C and i spent some quality time
dancing away the funk
celebrating her future
the sweet boy in the wheelchair whose friends spun him around the dance floor much to his overwhelmingly apparent delight
made everyone smile

allowed me
two seconds to
not
worry
but
the worries are back again

pc hasn’t met with the judge yet
i still don’t have a job
the end of this week the rent will be due
and i don’t have it
fuck
i see why people become desperate
exotic dancer jobs sounding better to me every single fucking day
laugh

i applied for 8 jobs yesterday
i have another 3 to apply for today
and still
nothing

i smile and laugh on the surface so no one else will worry
but inside
the truth sits like a 5,000 pound weight

i know it’s not exciting to come here and read anymore
sorry ’bout that
i suppose it is what it is
the story of my life
not exciting at this point
hopefully it will be again
soon
hope is such a fucker, you know?