hi there
yeah
it’s me

long road to here
seems like not even a valid description

i want to say thank you to my sistah
for updating folks
and
for her words
“i wish you would just give yourself a chance…”

you may not know
i waffled
i drove 500 miles
i heard his quiet “don’t go’s”
echoing
and i wanted to believe
perhaps this was the rock bottom
maybe this is what
he
we
needed
so
i turned around
drove 500 miles
back
against the wishes of everyone who loves me
tears spilling from my eyes
both ways

i don’t know what i expected
but
a hug and then he sat on the couch
watching
“the longest yard”
fitting
i suppose
i fell into a deep, dark sleep
worn out
from
crying
driving
believing
wishing
discovering
disappointment
the words
“it’s not too late” resonated in my bones

the next morning
i asked him to meet me for breakfast
i suppose i knew the truth all along

we parted

the road here
was long
car problems to say the least
my heart aching
~ still aching ~

please
don’t say you’re
proud
or happy for me
right now
i don’t feel any of those things
thus the title of this post

i feel
simply sad
simply scattered
simply stupid
simply shattered
the broken parts of my heart
clutched tight in my hands
cutting me here and there
but
i think i found all the parts
though i’ve not yet found a job

twice divorced is a bitter pill
add 42 to that
and
i just choke
no job?
well
you can only imagine

but
i guess
i saw
two roads
each beginning with tears and sadness
one with a possible, most likely unhappy ending
the other with a possible happy ending
so
i chose door number two
and
here i am
back in cali
finally