say what you need to say
another day
still no job
i had another phone interview today
i’m not sure it went well
weird questions
whatever
i’m a bit unnerved with the phone interview concept
made me think about
how much i utilize body language in answering questions
is that the behavior of a survivor of abuse i wonder?
knowing when to talk and when to shut up based solely on what someone’s body language is telling me?
hmmm
anyhow
i’m going a bit stir crazy
and
feeling a bit more
down
everyday
all the possibilities
and all the irons in the fires
all the waiting
it’s difficult
i portray that i’m much more calm than my stomach would truly reveal
some days
i don’t miss him
some days
it feels like a hot iron in my heart
burning
i’m ready for there to be more days
cold
than burning
and i wish i could explain
maybe just to myself even
what it is i miss…
unemployment tells me i may have a shot at getting extended benefits
another
waiting
iron in the fire
i have a bridal shower to go to this weekend
and
no money to buy a gift
nor
to pay for the extended party after the party
and
that makes me feel like shit
can i say that outloud?
but i’m going
further into credit card debt
tomorrow will be the one month mark
for my return to cali
and i wish i could say it’s been a great month
but
i can’t
truly
i’m afraid
can i admit that outloud?
i’m afraid, i’m scared to fucking death
there
i said it
{{{Leen}}}
Changes and uncertainty sure are scary. I think it’s normal to second guess yourself especially if the pieces aren’t falling exactly into place.
It’s very scary - what you’re going through. But I have to say that you’re bearing up remarkably well, my friend.
Im still scared, and its been two years. BUT, Im trudging through and so will you.
I still question my decision to leave all the time and I still come up with the same answer. Though Im not completely happy, Im much happier now then I was.
Love you babe, you have my number, call ANYTIME!
Thanks Leen
(((x)))) back!
I could say the same for you too really. I am reading - if not commenting ! You are in my thoughts….
And I reiterate the other commenters…All this shall pass!
Congrats on one month!! You deserve the space in which to own yourself.
You are beautiful and strong and FREE!
I am still scared shitless sometimes at the prospect of a future free of that man I depended on for so long, and in those moments I sometimes want to give up and go back to that half life because even though it was miserable it was safe.
You are my hero…
hugs to you.