i’ve written a letter to my mom
said a lot of things i’ve never said
said a lot of things i think needed to be said
sealing the envelope felt right

i’ve more than enough folks who’d like to bash me
make me feel awful
like i need any help in that capacity

truth is
i don’t like to fight
i don’t like to judge others
i prefer
to talk things out
to perhaps agree to different opinions
and
that sort of thinking?
well
doesn’t really hold up with most folks
gets me bashed about quite a bit
today
i’m just needing some space

there’s a cool breeze moving thru my apartment
dreams of a job still misting a bit thru my brain
i’ve one in particular that i’d love to get
i should know this week about that one

C gets married in less than two weeks
i’ll be driving four hours
to a town that straddles cali and nevada
to see her get married
should be great fun

my youngest is trying out to be a cheerleader today
wish i could explain to you how extraordinary this event is to me
she’s always been my under-enthusiastic child
preferring stoicism to excitement
she’s growing up so much recently
she and i went to see mam.ma.mia again
this one with the song lyrics on the screen
she determined that as soon as the dvd comes out, she needs it
she was also nominated and elected as her class treasurer
without even being present in the room
i’d say coming back to cali was good for her senior year

my oldest?
well, she’s struggling a bit again
seems to be a quarterly thing
concern is that her meds aren’t helping her
she’s in a mighty depression right now
i feel the weight of trying to help her very heavy on my shoulders
the fear of the fact that we have no medical insurance right now
compounds the issue…

the issue of forgiveness has been a topic in conversations of late
my BFF says that she thinks i forgive very easily
funny that i think my mother would say the opposite
i suppose i feel that carrying around anger is a heavy load
and
i’m already burdened down with enough weight
worry takes up a bunch of the space
so i suppose i don’t have much space left
i’d say also
vindictiveness is a part of the whole forgiveness issue
and
i suppose i’m not vindictive
preferring life to dole out - well - life
which can be both harsh and beautiful
not my place to decide, is how i feel
i’m sure i’m the oddball out on that point
an eye for an eye?
not sure
i guess i like that quote from the movie
m.an on fi.re
something along the lines of:
forgiveness is between him and god. it’s just my job to arrange the meeting.
i suppose i have issues forgiving those who would injure those that are most vulnerable
children, animals, the earth
yes
i said the earth
picking on those that cannot protect themselves angers me
doesn’t mean that i think it’s okay to deceive and intentionally hurt those that can protect themselves
is it the intention behind the action?
does it bother me less when perhaps the harm was unintentional?
hmmm
not sure
i can only say
i can only forgive by what feels right and true in my heart
and
it may not feel right and true in anyone else’s heart
and
i’m okay with that
does it make me a doormat?
not sure - again
i can only live the best way i know to live
and hanging onto anger and hatred is just not who i am
seems there’s more than enough anger and hatred already out there floating ’round
i’d prefer to spread a little kindness and softness instead

perhaps that’s my reason for being
who knows