i’m not sure how to answer the questions
you know the ones?
the very sincere, trying to get to know you questions
about family and husbands
and
really
if i didn’t feel like such a weirdo
i suppose those questions
wouldn’t feel so awkward
i’m never sure how to say
“you don’t really want to know”
in the most sincere fashion
or maybe
“i’d really rather not discuss it”
in equally as sincere mode

i’d by lying
if i said that my mothers recent reactions
haven’t hurt my heart once again
her response to my letter was a text message giving me an “emergency contact address”
and a goodbye
i suppose there was still a glimmer of a hope
of some compassion
perhaps

i’d be lying
if i said that i don’t miss him
if i said that sometimes in the deepest sleep
i don’t dream of him
pc returns to me
with his dazzling smile and comedy stories
his whispered words the night before our wedding
the feel of his body climbing up over mine
i’d be lying
if i said that i don’t miss him

i’d be lying
if i said that i missed my first husband at all
did it take days
or merely minutes
for my heart to get over him?
and
for that
i feel badly

i’d be lying
if i said that i’m perfectly okay with the thought of living alone the rest of my life
if i said that there’s not a part of me
aching
for the supposed third man
to come wrap his arms around my heart
my heart swings back and forth in rapid fashion
between believing and hoping
to quiet assurance that he doesn’t truly exist

i’d be lying
if i said that most days i’m not really afraid
i’m afraid that deep down inside
there’s something inherently wrong with me
something that makes me unloveable
untolerable

i’d be lying
if i said that the supposed happy couples all around me
don’t make me afraid
that i’ll end up alone