it happens to me several times each year
a little too much late night fun and laughter
buoyed by a few too many beers
leads to a day of regret
and
many promises to myself

i’ll never do that again

and a few months later
i’m at it again

i suppose i could say
i’ve done the same thing to myself
over and over again
in the context of my love life
especially in the context of pc
no matter how many days i spent drowning in the regrets
seems i always found myself back at it again
lost in the moment
needing someone to help me to cut off my ingestion of the substance poisoning my soul
the spaces in-between overdoses
just enough
to make my body forget the regret
just enough
to aide my mind in numbing the pain

and so today
i cling to the memories
of the
regrets
and pain
holding them tight enough against my heart
to apply the shield
a barrier against
amnesia

inside the walls
self-constructed
i’ve self-destructed
feeling raw and wounded
still afraid
not yet numb enough
or done enough
to let down the shield

and i know
i know
it will get better
and
i know as well
that wearing a suit of armor
while standing inside of it
naked
and shivering
will only continue to keep me
cold
and alone
but for now
for now
i need the shelter
from the storms
that rage within
my own soul
spitting out the anesthesia
that threatens to aide me
in lifting my glass
once again

please don’t worry
there has been no talk of
reconciliation

this is just me
talking
crooning to myself
warning myself
taking care of myself
and preparing myself
for another night
alone
afraid
but
free
and hopeful
truly
hope filled