Simply Leen

it’s cold in my house
california cold – mind you
but cold to me
the heater apparently was not hooked up when the ac was hooked up so…
there you have it

i’m home today from work
supposed to be doing homework
but i got sidetracked
by pictures of handsome men in blue jeans
by the cut on my thumb
and my overwhelming desire to crawl back under the covers in pursuit of warmth

i’ve been reading a book called “the wishing year”
i stumbled upon it really
it has me intrigued
and a bit melancholy
i began to become content
no, that’s wrong
not content
settled
in the thought of living alone
in the thought of never owning my own home
not comfortable with those thoughts
but i began to believe that i will forever be caught in the renters cycle of living and that once my daughters move out, i would be alone
there have been a few would-be suitors
though none have been courageous enough to actually ask for a date
there have been a few who have made their interest obvious enough
and my interest in return has been?
no thanks

am i too picky for my own good?
who knows
bleh
i don’t want to settle for the men who have appeared interested of late
i’d rather be alone
thus i began to settle into the thought
wrapped myself up in the belief that i would live this way forever
satisfying my own “needs” with a suitcase full of battery-operated-boyfriends
and sharing my bed
in my rented home
with hairy males that walk on 4 legs instead of 2

it could be worse, right?
sure it could

and then this book tumbled into my lap
written by a woman
wishing
for many similar things
and according to her
the active form of wishing worked for her
so the question lies
was it luck?
or was it the wishing that brought her dreams to fruition?

if i say to myself everyday
i wish to have my credit cards paid off by the end of 2010
i wish to have a home that i own by the end of 2010
i wish to have my love, my 3rd man, by the end of 2010
am i setting myself up for disappointment?
am i setting myself up for disappointment because i expect to be disappointed?
will the wishes break my heart?
do i need to believe in myself and that i deserve these wishes?
i do so hate that word deserve
or am i setting myself up to be jaded once more?

i’m puzzled
i want to believe
am i asking too much?
are my wishes too grand?
i should scale them back…
or not
truly
i want those things
i’m actively working on the first wish
despite monthly setbacks
i’m working hard on the first wish
the second two
feel
i dunno
out of reach
a home of my own?
it’s tough to explain to you how that wish wraps itself up around my insides and begs and pleads to be fulfilled
a home i can plant myself in
become one with
a home i can marry myself to
a place i can lay my head and rest in for the rest of my life

and then to fill it with true love?
that does feel like reaching for the moon on a step ladder

i’ve been plagued recently
with dreams of hands
big meaty hands
with a texture all their own
hands holding my hands
hands cupping my face
hands roaming my flesh
in a good way
i never see who they are attached to in my sleep
but the dreams feel so real
i expect to see a man there beside me when i awake
i open my eyes to the ache of the lack of those hands
and i find myself looking at mens hands as i travel though my day
“are those the hands?”
i’ve yet to find the hands that match
like the prince looking for the foot that fits the shoe
i’m searching for the hands that fit my body i suppose
hands that will soothe my ravaged heart and awaken my sleeping passion

the title to this post is spanish
the word has one meaning in spanish
it means several things in english
go look
it fits
like gLOVE and HAND