Simply Leen

i had a lovely dinner/coffee engagement last night with my friend T
we’ve not spoken for months now
a few emails scattered here and there
her husband is … difficult
very conservative man who has recently gone through some life changing trauma that has made him even more difficult
~ i introduced them ~
she was still married to her second husband … abusive
they fell in love, we flew to where she lived and moved her away from him
he appears very uncomfortable with her and i continuing to be friends
as if i’ll introduce her to someone else
when i got my tattoo on my foot, i sent her a picture of what i wanted to get, she fell in love with the design and decided to get the same tattoo on her foot
only, she didn’t tell her current husband before getting it and he was a bit peeved
then, we went to a concert where she had herself a smoke
and apparently that’s all my fault
i call on the phone, he answers and says, “first a tattoo and then you bring her home stoned, what’s next?”
“piercings,” i reply
(yes, i am the devil)
anyhow… i digress …
was good to sit with her last night
no husband, no children, just us
i hope we do that again real soon

i’m immersed in two books right now
both speaking deeply to my heart
about wishing
or more precisely
speaking desires outloud
i’ve heard of folks – women in particular – writing on a piece of paper, the attributes of their ultimate mate
some hold the paper close, others place it under their mattress
the act of putting pen to paper a way of speaking their desires outloud
so the universe, god, whatever
will hear/listen/answer
and i’m a bit intimidated by the concept
what if i leave something important out?
what if some of my meaning is misinterpreted?
i’m not sure i could put it all down on paper
some of it is unexplainable

hmmmm
anyhow
i just don’t know
i know that the concept and these books are speaking to me deeply
perhaps it’s about knowing myself a bit more
knowing what i want/need/desire more
perhaps it’s accepting that what i want/need/desire is acceptable
that it’s okay to want a man who wants me too

i dunno

i do know that right now my heart isn’t ready
i find myself in a panic when there’s a man in the room who appears interested in me
my heart races – in a not-so-good way
fight or flight?
my body is choosing flight at the moment
easier to be alone
would that fear disappear if the “right one” walked in?
i don’t know
perhaps
and maybe he’s not walked in yet?
or maybe he has and my heart told my feet to start running
who knows?
if so… i wish he would’ve chased me a little bit

anyhow…

my laptop is still at the shop
i need to do homework and this is getting inconvenient to borrow my daughters computers
eck

b.oca bur.gers are to die for
i’m just sayin’
and the new flat buns?
(i forget what they’re called)
yum

it’s raining in my part of the world again today
walking for exercise is ceased while the rain pours down
and that’s okay
but it’s stalling my weight loss plan
well, i think it is
the scale will tell on sunday

my libido seems to have returned with a vengence
i’m just sayin’

the video below
has r.d. jr in it
he is like the prime example of what i’m attracted to in a man and need to learn to be unattracted to
a charismatic addict
always a receipe for disaster

okay
i’ve finished my coffee
and apparently my brain has stalled as well
have a lovely weekend my friends