Simply Leen

their questions leave me reflecting
each one holding up a tiny mirror
i catch a glimpse of myself ~ now and then
each sight different from the other
each sight as startling as the one before

he tells me he thinks my kindness really stands out
in rescuing all those dogs
and the mirror shines

i find myself thinking

my conversation with him included a question
what happened with both marriages?
the short answer is easiest
the living the answer was the hard part
“they were both addicts”
addicts of some nature
the first preferred work over our marriage
the second preferred alcohol – and an occasional drug binge
but mainly he preferred alcohol

i’ve been told i’m attracted to “fixer-uppers”
is there a connection?
perhaps i’m a rescuer
seeing the wounded – my heart bleeds
wanting to bandage
soothe
whisper sweet words
give soft touches
so that the wounded might heal

and the mirror reflects once more
deeper this time

perhaps
what i’m searching for
what i’ve been hoping for
all along
is to be rescued myself
damsel in distress?
maybe
good luck in finding your way in to the core
a tough shelled exterior
hiding
a molten interior
a petal soft heart

physician heal thyself?
rescuer rescue thyself?
seems that way

i’ve been entranced by their stories
inter-v-ention
c rehab
sometimes it is the addict that has me mesmerized
other times it is their family
loving an alcoholic is different than many other types of addictions
in my opinion
an alcoholic has good days
days where you’re lost in the laughter and fun and goodness you see inside their heart
and then there are the bad days

it’s hard to not take it personal
the choosing of the addiction over our love
and yet, i’ve never been addicted to a substance
so, i’m sure i’ll just never understand the pull
though i can understand the pain and longing and desire for
that which you should not ingest
my love/desire/need/want for him… similar
19 months later…
and counting…

his father died from it
an awful death that stunned us all
i worry that he will also succumb to his disease
but i can’t rescue him
he has to rescue himself

he was
my strongest weakness