Simply Leen

i had a lovely dinner/coffee engagement last night with my friend T
we’ve not spoken for months now
a few emails scattered here and there
her husband is … difficult
very conservative man who has recently gone through some life changing trauma that has made him even more difficult
~ i introduced them ~
she was still married to her second husband … abusive
they fell in love, we flew to where she lived and moved her away from him
he appears very uncomfortable with her and i continuing to be friends
as if i’ll introduce her to someone else
when i got my tattoo on my foot, i sent her a picture of what i wanted to get, she fell in love with the design and decided to get the same tattoo on her foot
only, she didn’t tell her current husband before getting it and he was a bit peeved
then, we went to a concert where she had herself a smoke
and apparently that’s all my fault
i call on the phone, he answers and says, “first a tattoo and then you bring her home stoned, what’s next?”
“piercings,” i reply
(yes, i am the devil)
anyhow… i digress …
was good to sit with her last night
no husband, no children, just us
i hope we do that again real soon

i’m immersed in two books right now
both speaking deeply to my heart
about wishing
or more precisely
speaking desires outloud
i’ve heard of folks – women in particular – writing on a piece of paper, the attributes of their ultimate mate
some hold the paper close, others place it under their mattress
the act of putting pen to paper a way of speaking their desires outloud
so the universe, god, whatever
will hear/listen/answer
and i’m a bit intimidated by the concept
what if i leave something important out?
what if some of my meaning is misinterpreted?
i’m not sure i could put it all down on paper
some of it is unexplainable

hmmmm
anyhow
i just don’t know
i know that the concept and these books are speaking to me deeply
perhaps it’s about knowing myself a bit more
knowing what i want/need/desire more
perhaps it’s accepting that what i want/need/desire is acceptable
that it’s okay to want a man who wants me too

i dunno

i do know that right now my heart isn’t ready
i find myself in a panic when there’s a man in the room who appears interested in me
my heart races – in a not-so-good way
fight or flight?
my body is choosing flight at the moment
easier to be alone
would that fear disappear if the “right one” walked in?
i don’t know
perhaps
and maybe he’s not walked in yet?
or maybe he has and my heart told my feet to start running
who knows?
if so… i wish he would’ve chased me a little bit

anyhow…

my laptop is still at the shop
i need to do homework and this is getting inconvenient to borrow my daughters computers
eck

b.oca bur.gers are to die for
i’m just sayin’
and the new flat buns?
(i forget what they’re called)
yum

it’s raining in my part of the world again today
walking for exercise is ceased while the rain pours down
and that’s okay
but it’s stalling my weight loss plan
well, i think it is
the scale will tell on sunday

my libido seems to have returned with a vengence
i’m just sayin’

the video below
has r.d. jr in it
he is like the prime example of what i’m attracted to in a man and need to learn to be unattracted to
a charismatic addict
always a receipe for disaster

okay
i’ve finished my coffee
and apparently my brain has stalled as well
have a lovely weekend my friends

2009 is skidding to its end
what a decade it has been
the beginning of a new decade is a welcome beginning indeed
it’s much more than the beginning of a new year you know
we’re starting a new decade y’all
a new set of 10
are you ready?
can you imagine the changes that we will all herald within the next 10 years?
how old will your children/grandchildren be in 10 years?
how old will you be?
what changes do you want to see happen over the next 10 years?
what things do you pray with all your heart remain the same?
10 years…
when i relect back…
wow…
what a crazy period of time
filled with heart popping love and mind-wrecking misery
and yet… here i stand
ready
at the start gate for a new 10 years

i spent several hours alone on christmas day
my daughters went to my ex inlaws for about 6 hours
i was invited but declined this year
just too awkward for words
the quiet left me alone in my thoughts
a dangerous place at times
but for the most part, these days, my thoughts are pretty clear and focused
moving towards my goals
baby steps at a time
i felt myself turn a corner though
and it felt as if a weight had fallen off my back
a bit relieved
a bit sad
but always… forward

i bought a new (to me) desk
have i talked to you about my slight obsession with cr.aig.slist?
yeah
can’t help it
bought an awesome desk for a steal of a bargain
i’m sitting now underneath the window in my living room
should make it a bit easier for my coursework
the hours spent hunched over the coffee table were miserable indeed
it’s a clear blue, cold day here in cali
lovely
and inspiring

i’ve a few more days off work
today
i need to seriously go through the magazines that have piled up
(i’m really close to just tosing them instead of going through them)
and i need to seriously deal with my bookshelf
since my lovely daughters spoiled their momma rotten by purchasing a no.o.k for me
it’s an e-reader for those who aren’t familiar with the name
i’ve been drooling over it for a bit now
had made plans to buy one for myself this year
now, i only need to wait… until jan 11…
yippee!

i felt pieces of myself return this christmas
decorations i’ve not used in years beckoned to me like they’ve not done in years
next year my lovelies… next year…

my scabs have worn away i think
the fresh, soft scar tissue is exposed to the light
a bit tender
a bit pink
not ready for full contact
but ready for some sunshine
and some oxygen

10 years from now, i’ll be in my 50’s
certainly i’ll have more gray hair
and wrinkles
and the rest?
we’ll have to wait to see, huh?
are you ready?
ready or not, here it comes!

day 2 of 2 weeks off work
a much needed respite from the full-time work and school schedule
i’ve tons to do
but no real desire to do any of it at the moment
right now
i want to read
i’m in the middle of 2 books
and i think i’ll indulge myself for a bit
a day on the couch reading sounds like just what i need

the wind is blowing hard and heavy through the valley today
bright blue skies
yesterday it rained heavily
the wind must have blown all the clouds away

i don’t feel settled yet
the change, the movement forward, the leaving behind the past is still in progress for me
i can’t say this house feels like home, but it does feel comfortable
there are financial matters that keep me tied to pc that i have no control over
having those things completely wiped clean would help i’m certain
that
and some time alone
i love my daughters, please don’t misunderstand
but damn my brain is tired from the constant interaction
i’m sure there will come a day when i’ll write and complain about the loneliness, the quiet, the empty house
but for now… damn, i need some time to not talk or interact
i need some space and it’s weird to have to ask for that or to want that with my children
but it is what it is

i’m home today
but it’s noon and my oldest is leaving work early
she’s headed home as i type this
finding time to type a coherent thought in here is hard when i’m constantly in the midst of some conversation
…
whatever
right?
hmmmm

i had a man flirt with me day before yesterday
and it sent me into a tizzy
a fright that i ran from
and that left me wondering…
perhaps i need therapy
perhaps i just need time
i don’t know

i could use some santa ana winds to come blow through the recesses of my mind
help me clear the cobwebs away
a breeze to hush the fears
fears of what?
hmmmm
lots
the worrier in me working overtime these days
as usual

i’d love a quiet place to lay my head
and my heart
for just a while
a soft place to land

but for now
i’ll listen to the wind in the trees outside my windows
moaning out my fears into a whisper
hoping the winds will carry them/me away…