have you ever driven through a storm of butterflies?
the alfafa fields are lush and green this time of year
beckoning swarms of butterflies
i drive by these fields
and through these butterflies
on my commute each day
there are some who die needlessly on the front of my car each day sadly
but there are hundreds who flutter by
entrancing me to drive slower
the yellow wings catching my eyes and my heart
i’m such a sap
my place of employment is swarming these days as well
students starting or continuing their higher education
excited and smiling and bright
fluttering by with conversations about engineering and science
fashions as varied as patterns on a quilt
and most days i feel invisible
i am older than the majority of the other bodies swimming around here
older by quite a stretch
milf perhaps meaning something more like “mother i’d like to forget”
invisible can be fun sometimes
listening in to their conversations
smiling in remembrance of my own days of youth
how all the drama seemed so damn important
invisible can make me ache sometimes
longing to have the sensation of being seen
missing the flesh-to-flesh contact of lovers
the shared beating of hearts and breaths
work and college keep me busy most days
seems i’m so much older than most of the “men” i’m surrounded by
i feel more inclined to breast feed them than bed them
and the ones online right now?
ugh is all i can say
it’s been a rough few weeks
and i’m struggling a bit to keep my head above water
the weight of having a child with bipolar disorder is pretty heavy these days
though she is finally attempting to get some help
which is good
it’s just been… yeah… rough
finding the balance between helping and expecting her to help herself is difficult
i find myself getting lost somewhere in the mix
so i suppose that is where these emotions come from
the struggle to find balance
omg
has another week come and gone?
i feel like i’m caught in a whirlwind
spinning a bit out of control right now
school has begun
i’ve three papers, two quizzes, and hella tons of homework to do before midnight on sunday
wish me luck
we’ve a visitor from NY at the house right now
makes it hard to study
makes it hard to feel comfortable in my own home
not to mention, the fact that i’d like to slap the ever loving shit out of
flirty boy who likes to bounce young girls hearts around in his hands like hot potatoes
my oldest has her heart flipping around in his palm right now
and he’s not being careful
and that? may get him slapped
or worse
he’d just do well not to cross the road in front of my car right now
just sayin’
there were a few moments this week
when i felt the words begging to flow
only to be dashed again
pushed back into the recesses
after another round of five dogs barking
another round of all night long talks by my daughters
another round of someone somewhere wanting to talk talk talk
my brain is on overload
every once in a while there is quiet
like right … NOW …
but in a few moments, i’m sure the dogs will be at it again
or the door will unlock and two children will come in the door asking for full attention
over
load
i need a weekend
alone
with no one talking
no dogs barking
just some quiet
alone with my thoughts
i don’t even know what i think anymore
eck
what a whiney post this has turned into
bleck
so…
publish
and run
i dragged a beach chair into the middle of the yard
reclined waaayyyy back
glass of wine in my left hand
and waited
the sky rewarded me several times over
did you watch the meteor shower?
i’m always caught up in language it would seem
are they shooting stars or falling stars?
does it depend on their trajectory across the sky?
or in the eyes that view them?
“shooting stars” sounds more like they are choosing to fly across the sky in a brilliant stream of light
rather than falling
and then my mind went to falling in love
falling makes it seem less like a choice one makes as to who our hearts love
and that makes sense to me
because wouldn’t it be wonderful if i could fall madly in love with one of the fellows who’ve messaged me online?
but … seriously not attracted
so…
choice was made before my heart even had a chance to blink
i’m a wisher in life in general
seems like the wishes never come true
but i was reminded by my daughter that sometimes it appears that my wishes are manifested
just not in the form i would like
such as…
i crawled into bed with three males all dying to sleep in my bed with me
they just happen to be dogs
but males who love to sleep in my bed nonetheless
i used to wish for
money!money!money!
when i would see a shooting star
seems that wish hasn’t come true
despite holding it as a secret in my heart
my daughter told me that saying my wishes outloud will make them not come true
to which i said, i’ve never spoke that wish outloud and it’s still not come true
so i’m gonna speak my new wishes outloud
see what happens this time
seems i’m more comfortable with a two-syllable wish
mo-ney!
so shouting LOVE didn’t feel right
so my mind worked its magic
TrueLove!
RealLove!
GreatSex!
what? love and sex go hand in hand and i want ‘em both and they’re my wishes… so there!
there were three large shooting stars
the first one red in color
the second clear and bright, witnessed by my daughter
and the third appeared later
when i was alone in my yard
and i had just about given up hope that i’d see another shooting star
there it was
quieter
seemed to take a longer time to get across the sky
allowing me to whisper
truelovetruelovetruelove
and someday
when the third man appears
and my heart falls again
i’m gonna tell him i wished for him
that i spoke my wish outloud
and it still came true
