my flight leaves tomorrow
i’ll be there for 6 nights
i’m a bit nervous about the travel time alone
i’m certainly not a world traveler
the switching mass transit has me in a bit of a tizzy
but
i’ll figure it out
another day closer
i have clothes to keep me warm
and these hand warmer thingys to keep my feet warm at night
yeah
i’m a sissy
what else?
work has been stressful
the days away will be good for my mind
and hopefully my soul as well
only one event really planned while i’m there
a musical on sunday
the rest of the time will be spent relaxing with my friend
playing tourist
i’m ready
i’d hoped to be 10 pounds down
i’m down 8
and i’m okay with that
today i have a hair appt
and lots of laundry to do before trying to go to sleep early
have to be up by 3 a.m.
on the road by 3:30
their questions leave me reflecting
each one holding up a tiny mirror
i catch a glimpse of myself ~ now and then
each sight different from the other
each sight as startling as the one before
he tells me he thinks my kindness really stands out in rescuing all those dogs
and the mirror shines
i find myself thinking
my conversation with him included a question what happened with both marriages?
the short answer is easiest
the living the answer was the hard part “they were both addicts”
addicts of some nature
the first preferred work over our marriage
the second preferred alcohol – and an occasional drug binge
but mainly he preferred alcohol
i’ve been told i’m attracted to “fixer-uppers”
is there a connection?
perhaps i’m a rescuer
seeing the wounded – my heart bleeds
wanting to bandage
soothe
whisper sweet words
give soft touches
so that the wounded might heal
and the mirror reflects once more
deeper this time
perhaps
what i’m searching for
what i’ve been hoping for
all along
is to be rescued myself
damsel in distress?
maybe
good luck in finding your way in to the core
a tough shelled exterior
hiding
a molten interior
a petal soft heart
physician heal thyself?
rescuer rescue thyself?
seems that way
i’ve been entranced by their stories inter-v-ention c rehab
sometimes it is the addict that has me mesmerized
other times it is their family
loving an alcoholic is different than many other types of addictions
in my opinion
an alcoholic has good days
days where you’re lost in the laughter and fun and goodness you see inside their heart
and then there are the bad days
it’s hard to not take it personal
the choosing of the addiction over our love
and yet, i’ve never been addicted to a substance
so, i’m sure i’ll just never understand the pull
though i can understand the pain and longing and desire for
that which you should not ingest
my love/desire/need/want for him… similar
19 months later…
and counting…
his father died from it
an awful death that stunned us all
i worry that he will also succumb to his disease
but i can’t rescue him
he has to rescue himself
it’s a story that many of you have heard before
it’s a story that each day i’m compelled to share in the hopes of ending a tragedy of torment that started long before i existed
it’s a story that many others share
it’s a story that makes folks wince, and cry, and become suddenly quiet with what i’m sure are emotions that cannot be expressed into words
it’s a story that some can’t hear…
i’m not sure where my ability to speak the truth of my story comes from
i know countless others have endured similar tales
and for reasons different as snow flakes
their stories are kept locked inside
perhaps it’s my never-ending hope that one day the torture of children will stop
and my forcing folks to be reminded that it’s happening
still
on a daily basis
to our most innocent, most precious
and how did i end up here?
moving forward
constantly
always believing in my happy ending
always fighting for “what i deserve”
where does that fight come from?
i read the following today…
“you have to throw yourself into life”
and perhaps that’s it
a relentless belief in happiness and peacefulness
i can endure the rain because i know it brings such beauty out of the landscape
i can sometimes even see the beauty in the rain itself
~~~~~~~~~
last night was concert night
i’m beyond tired today
but absolutely content
the music was incredible
and a night with my daughters and C?
yeah, that too
~~~~~~~~~~~
it’s supposed to begin raining here again
forecasted out until the 5th of march
here comes the rain
and…
here comes the sun
