Simply Leen

hello again
perhaps it’s the lack of interesting content?
or perhaps it’s the length of time in between posts?
seems the readership has all but disappeared from here
can’t say i blame anyone
but perhaps i would be just as well served emailing my posts these days to those who still manage to read here and stay awake
bless your heart sky

i’m recovering from a nasty cold
a week out and i’m still coughing and blowing my nose
but i finally feel like i’ll live

i braved the midnight crowds and took my youngest to the midnight showing to see the newest flick in the twi.li.ght series
a few hours in the dark looking at handsome young men?
not a bad way to spend the evening

thanksgiving was quiet
uneventful
wonderful
my girls went to their grandparents house for a few hours
so it was me and the turkey and the chihuahuas watching some football
resting and relaxing
not a thanksgiving to go down in the memory books
but a thanksgiving where i felt i had much to be thankful for

yesterday i braved the crowds
late, mind you
didn’t hit the stores until nearly noon
but i managed to buy some wonderful gifts for my wonderful girls
another reason to give thanks and smile

school is on the countdown
i’ve just about 3 more weeks
and i’ve a 2 week break at christmas from work
so
again
yeah
i’m smiling

the leaves are golden and red here
once again proving the naysayers wrong in their grumblings that california doesn’t have seasons
california whispers her seasons in slowly and sweetly
just smoothly enough that if you get busy with your nose and eyes focused elsewhere you just might miss the changes
but i never fail to breathe in the cooler days with the rich jewel toned leaves
the air clear – readying us for the earths time of rest

i’m feeling very blessed
and looking forward to the year ahead
but also
i’m soaking up the present

and thankful
for you
who still manage to visit this crazy cali gal
xoxo you

it feels like it was just yesterday when i wrote my last post
the days are flying by
filled with too much non-fun stuff
but school is going well
the research paper that has had me up at night?
i received my graded rough draft back
and the comments were that it is an a+ paper that is 90-95% complete already
which was a huge relief
i’ve about one more month left for this semester
and too many semesters ahead of me to count at this point
but proud of my progress so far

i don’t have much to write
which is probably why i never come here to bore you
my heater is fixed
my house is clean and my laundry is done
that’s what i’ve accomplished recently
my comforter gets softer with each wash
i love that

hmmmmmm
what else?

i’m a bit off kilter
i remember back to days when my waking hours were nightmare and my sleeping hours were bliss
seems i’ve switched things around
i’ve been plagued over the past few weeks with constant dreams of pc
gone are the dreams of the man with the hands i looked for
pc has been haunting me
and i find myself waking with heartache in my throat
feeling much unloved
washing my face with cold water to ward away the blues that swirl around afterwards
the daylight welcomes me
my days are full
and mainly uninteresting
homework, housework, whatever
i was so looking forward to getting home last night to cuddle with my dogs in the cold fall evening
dreading the nightfall and the approach of the sandman
however
this too shall pass

and for now
i’m actively wishing for the changes i daydream of…
working to pay off bills
keeping my eyes open to possibilities
more importantly, keeping my heart open
i believe it will happen

it’s cold in my house
california cold – mind you
but cold to me
the heater apparently was not hooked up when the ac was hooked up so…
there you have it

i’m home today from work
supposed to be doing homework
but i got sidetracked
by pictures of handsome men in blue jeans
by the cut on my thumb
and my overwhelming desire to crawl back under the covers in pursuit of warmth

i’ve been reading a book called “the wishing year”
i stumbled upon it really
it has me intrigued
and a bit melancholy
i began to become content
no, that’s wrong
not content
settled
in the thought of living alone
in the thought of never owning my own home
not comfortable with those thoughts
but i began to believe that i will forever be caught in the renters cycle of living and that once my daughters move out, i would be alone
there have been a few would-be suitors
though none have been courageous enough to actually ask for a date
there have been a few who have made their interest obvious enough
and my interest in return has been?
no thanks

am i too picky for my own good?
who knows
bleh
i don’t want to settle for the men who have appeared interested of late
i’d rather be alone
thus i began to settle into the thought
wrapped myself up in the belief that i would live this way forever
satisfying my own “needs” with a suitcase full of battery-operated-boyfriends
and sharing my bed
in my rented home
with hairy males that walk on 4 legs instead of 2

it could be worse, right?
sure it could

and then this book tumbled into my lap
written by a woman
wishing
for many similar things
and according to her
the active form of wishing worked for her
so the question lies
was it luck?
or was it the wishing that brought her dreams to fruition?

if i say to myself everyday
i wish to have my credit cards paid off by the end of 2010
i wish to have a home that i own by the end of 2010
i wish to have my love, my 3rd man, by the end of 2010
am i setting myself up for disappointment?
am i setting myself up for disappointment because i expect to be disappointed?
will the wishes break my heart?
do i need to believe in myself and that i deserve these wishes?
i do so hate that word deserve
or am i setting myself up to be jaded once more?

i’m puzzled
i want to believe
am i asking too much?
are my wishes too grand?
i should scale them back…
or not
truly
i want those things
i’m actively working on the first wish
despite monthly setbacks
i’m working hard on the first wish
the second two
feel
i dunno
out of reach
a home of my own?
it’s tough to explain to you how that wish wraps itself up around my insides and begs and pleads to be fulfilled
a home i can plant myself in
become one with
a home i can marry myself to
a place i can lay my head and rest in for the rest of my life

and then to fill it with true love?
that does feel like reaching for the moon on a step ladder

i’ve been plagued recently
with dreams of hands
big meaty hands
with a texture all their own
hands holding my hands
hands cupping my face
hands roaming my flesh
in a good way
i never see who they are attached to in my sleep
but the dreams feel so real
i expect to see a man there beside me when i awake
i open my eyes to the ache of the lack of those hands
and i find myself looking at mens hands as i travel though my day
“are those the hands?”
i’ve yet to find the hands that match
like the prince looking for the foot that fits the shoe
i’m searching for the hands that fit my body i suppose
hands that will soothe my ravaged heart and awaken my sleeping passion

the title to this post is spanish
the word has one meaning in spanish
it means several things in english
go look
it fits
like gLOVE and HAND