Simply Leen

the book i’m reading
the phrase struck deep…
“tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth”

truth

what is my truth?
what is yours?
is truth colored by the eyes viewing the truth?
or is it black and white?

truth

i’m happy with my life
but i miss being in love
i miss kissing
i miss making love
i miss fucking
i saw the most beautiful golden sunset the other night while driving home it brought tears to my eyes
i love having my daughters live at home with me
i wish they had more to keep themselves busy like girls their age should have
and sometimes i feel they take advantage of me
i’m so angry at one of my relatives right now, i can hardly speak to her
i hate dieting
i wish i could eat drink whatever i wanted and not gain weight
i wish i had a man who loved me the way one of my coworkers husbands appears to love her
she’s mid-60’s and shared with me that she just bought a g-string bikini to wear in their hot tub
(she will NEVER appear on s.i.)
but he is overjoyed
and she feels sexy
i can’t remember when i felt sexy
sometimes i’m afraid i never will feel sexy again
i cannot make my mind forget the concept of the third man
my hands are getting old
i’m afraid i’ll never own my forever home
i miss my blonde hair

i have so many fun things coming up on my calendar, i’m giddy
and feeling very blessed

my truth
more and more my heart lets go of pc
who i’ve decided to begin referring to as x2 in here
he is so far away from prince charming that i don’t think even pc with a strikethrough is good enough for him
i’m working on reconciling in my heart the parts of him that i believe to be good – to this day
and the parts of him that are absolutely horrible
and the parts of myself that he ripped away that i’m still struggling to return to their proper locations

i had dinner last night with T and her husband
and there was a couple visiting from out of state
they are friends of x2
GOOOOOOODDDDDDDD friends of his
i was shocked that they asked to see me, to visit with me
and then waited for the questions and accusations
but they were simply lovely
and told me that they missed me
and
that made me feel good
that they could separate the person that i am from my failed marriage to their friend
and perhaps there’s a part of them that loves x2 but sees the reasons regardless
and onward i go

school is kicking my ass
econ is not my subject

my favorite show starts tonight
i’ll be walking my 2.5 miles
eating my veggie burger
and then living it up watching my show
i’ve a 4-day weekend coming up
homework slated
maybe i’ll work in some fun too

ciao lovelies

what’s outside your window?

i had a lovely dinner/coffee engagement last night with my friend T
we’ve not spoken for months now
a few emails scattered here and there
her husband is … difficult
very conservative man who has recently gone through some life changing trauma that has made him even more difficult
~ i introduced them ~
she was still married to her second husband … abusive
they fell in love, we flew to where she lived and moved her away from him
he appears very uncomfortable with her and i continuing to be friends
as if i’ll introduce her to someone else
when i got my tattoo on my foot, i sent her a picture of what i wanted to get, she fell in love with the design and decided to get the same tattoo on her foot
only, she didn’t tell her current husband before getting it and he was a bit peeved
then, we went to a concert where she had herself a smoke
and apparently that’s all my fault
i call on the phone, he answers and says, “first a tattoo and then you bring her home stoned, what’s next?”
“piercings,” i reply
(yes, i am the devil)
anyhow… i digress …
was good to sit with her last night
no husband, no children, just us
i hope we do that again real soon

i’m immersed in two books right now
both speaking deeply to my heart
about wishing
or more precisely
speaking desires outloud
i’ve heard of folks – women in particular – writing on a piece of paper, the attributes of their ultimate mate
some hold the paper close, others place it under their mattress
the act of putting pen to paper a way of speaking their desires outloud
so the universe, god, whatever
will hear/listen/answer
and i’m a bit intimidated by the concept
what if i leave something important out?
what if some of my meaning is misinterpreted?
i’m not sure i could put it all down on paper
some of it is unexplainable

hmmmm
anyhow
i just don’t know
i know that the concept and these books are speaking to me deeply
perhaps it’s about knowing myself a bit more
knowing what i want/need/desire more
perhaps it’s accepting that what i want/need/desire is acceptable
that it’s okay to want a man who wants me too

i dunno

i do know that right now my heart isn’t ready
i find myself in a panic when there’s a man in the room who appears interested in me
my heart races – in a not-so-good way
fight or flight?
my body is choosing flight at the moment
easier to be alone
would that fear disappear if the “right one” walked in?
i don’t know
perhaps
and maybe he’s not walked in yet?
or maybe he has and my heart told my feet to start running
who knows?
if so… i wish he would’ve chased me a little bit

anyhow…

my laptop is still at the shop
i need to do homework and this is getting inconvenient to borrow my daughters computers
eck

b.oca bur.gers are to die for
i’m just sayin’
and the new flat buns?
(i forget what they’re called)
yum

it’s raining in my part of the world again today
walking for exercise is ceased while the rain pours down
and that’s okay
but it’s stalling my weight loss plan
well, i think it is
the scale will tell on sunday

my libido seems to have returned with a vengence
i’m just sayin’

the video below
has r.d. jr in it
he is like the prime example of what i’m attracted to in a man and need to learn to be unattracted to
a charismatic addict
always a receipe for disaster

okay
i’ve finished my coffee
and apparently my brain has stalled as well
have a lovely weekend my friends

my monday evening instructor is british
i’m adding his accent to my list
“good thing i never fell in love with…”
a musician
a poet
a man with a british accent

i could seriously sit and listen to him talk about nothing in general for hours

i love the way my body feels skinnier
i hate the way it doesn’t look like it feels

my daughters fighting with each other over every single thing may just drive me to a smack-down

my new receipes
turkey chili
and turkey meatloaf
yum yum
i’m just sayin’

i was in my backyard this weekend
weedeating
and it sunk in a bit more
the feeling of being home i mean
back in cali
my backyard
though i don’t own it
is mine
my patio furniture crying out for some much needed ass-in-chair time
soon soon soon

i read an article online today
i won’t go into it
just about how folks are so busy with their days that they managed to walk past and ignore a man who is a professional concert violist playing for free – for 45-minutes
and i dunno
i’m the person who stops
and i like that about me
i notice the sunset
and the singing of the birds
the breeze in the trees
the lush green grasses growing all around me right now due to our extraordinary amount of rain this season
i’ve always been married to a person who walks on by
and married to a person who would push me to keep on walking
but
i like that i stop
to see
smell
hear
touch
feel
i like that about myself
and
i think i’m gonna keep on being that person
just ‘cuz

i’m very excited about ny
and
very nervous

and now?
tons of folks talking to me
sooooo
off i go