Simply Leen

i feel windswept by life right now
moving 100 miles an hour forward
but more like that dog you see with my ears blown back, tongue hanging out, loving every bit of the wind and the speed and the exhiliration of the ride
bring it on baby

it will be a 3-day weekend for me
concert planned on tuesday
another concert next friday
and tons of work to be accomplished at work in the middle of all the fun

oldest is having a long distance relationship sort of thing going on right now
and the boy is coming to visit in august
add to that, she met with a psychiatrist, got a bevy full of meds
she’s high on life right now
doing very, very well
and the weight is lifted for a bit of time
she’s smiling non-stop
walking with me twice a day
including during my 5:20 a.m. walk

youngest and her boy broke up
and actually?
i’m kinda glad
yes, it would be wonderful if she found the love of her life at a young age and never experienced heartache and they lived happily ever after
but
he’s not the love of her life
anyone that calls her a fat bitch CANNOT possibly be the love of her life
and anyone that calls her a fat bitch is LUCKY to still have a pulse as far as this mom is concerned
just sayin’
so… she’s learning to live again
and she’s learning how to be young and gorgeous and single
something that she hasn’t done or felt in a long time it would seem

life goes on… yes?

the online dating thing?
eh
hit or miss
mostly miss
again, i’m caught in the
eeewww he’s gross but man he is crazy for me
and the
damn, he’s friggen hot and he couldn’t care less about me
so
there are a few viable candidates right now who appear to be interested
time will tell
and then i will tell – you

and on another note…
i’ve made reservations at a campground on the coast during the month of november
camping became a huge nightmare during my marriage to x2
and i’ve finally decided to claim it as mine once more
the campground looks lovely
and yeah, it’ll most likely be a bit chilly
but lovely nonetheless
and we – my daughters and i – are excited as hell at the prospect
of course, i left all of the camping gear with x2
and really?
i’m okay with buying all new stuff for us to create all new – fabulous and exclusively ours – memories
i’ve my eye on a tent right now
and then there will be sleeping bags and air mattresses (yes, i’m a wimp – like you didn’t know that already)
and all sorts of stuff
and before i know it, november will be here

and in the middle of that time
will be sweet concert memories
and a weekend at the beach … in about 2 weeks
and of course school starts in august
but i’m okay with it

smiling
onward

sometimes i take little bitty baby steps
other times i feel like i’m taking gigantic monster strides
the first type frustrate me
the second type scare the hell outta me
i gotta find the balance in there somewhere

tomorrow i’ll be home
in the garage
hopefully figuring out what i can place outside on saturday and sell
i need my garage back from the bags and boxes and shtuff

it’s been a crazy hectic tiring week
filled with much work drama
all of which i’m sort of on the outside looking in at
thankfully
but within ear shot of all the bitching and moaning
i’m ready for a day of sweating in the garage surrounded by spiders i can smack with my shoe instead of being surrounded by folks i’d like to smack but an unable to…

so, not sure i even need to write this since it would seem the readers here have dwindled down to the two who already know
however
i suppose i’d like a record for myself
i have jumped back into the online dating world
this time in a free-to-me site
(thank you for the tip! my nekkid friend)
so far… it’s been less than productive
but it seems less bothersome to me, i suppose, since i’m not paying for the service with funds i really don’t feel i should be using for that
i have much better places to spend my money
like paying off my bills so i can buy that forever home, right? right!
so far i have received a multitude of messages from a much older man who is in a poly relationship
uh… yuck
and a few from “men” young enough to have literally come from my womb
again… yuck
there is a seemingly nice cowboy who has messaged me a few times
sparingly
and another that i’m not realy interested in
(yeah, he spells like shit)
so…
we shall see
but since it’s free
hell
i might leave my profile up for years
who knows?!

oldest daughter went to a psychiatrist today
i cannot begin to explain the relief that flooded through my body as she called me at 11 to tell me how it went
she has 3 meds to try
and a psychiatrist who seemed to “get” her
and who also told her that treating bipolar is difficult so not to get disappointed if these meds don’t work
so… onward for her
she also is talking to a very sweet boy who lives in new york
he is coming to visit in august
my only stipulation is that he is not allowed to make her fall madly in love and move across the country from me
we shall see

the walking continues despite my left foot pain
inserts arrived this week
i’ve got another 2 weeks before it’s supposed to help
fabulous

today i set up a payment plan for a few of my credit cards
my hope is to be paid off by the majority of them by this time next year
and that will allow me to focus on the large one
so that perhaps i can have it paid off by the end of next year
and then?
onward
to the casa
hopefully

and that’s all i’ve got
for now

so…

the cursor blinks
loudly
and all the thoughts
previously shouting to be typed
now
run rapidly
out my eyes
before i can type them
here

it’s amazing how much closer i feel to 140 than i feel to 150 when i weigh 145…

my left foot is unhappy with the amount of walking i’ve been forcing it do to
i’ve a pair of inserts on order
hopefully they’ll arrive soon
and then my left foot and i can kiss and make up

i work with a coworker who is utterly inefficient and unintelligent
and yet
he just received his masters degree
confirming ~ once again ~ my suspicion…
a higher education is
more often than not
all about diligence
not necessary intelligence
so… will i manage to be diligent this time around?
and do i really care?
will it put extra funds in my bank account?
and is that really the only reason i want the extra letters behind my last name?
is it any coincidence that i’m studying for a degree with the letters B.S.?
hmmmmm

my coworkers have noticed my weight loss
and it’s forcing me ~ in a good way ~ to continue on the path to my goal weight
much to the dismay of my left foot

i still check the weather in oklahoma
and it makes me grateful for where i live

not being able to tell when i’m actually having a “period” makes figuring out when i’m pms-ing very, very difficult
despite having a hysterectomy, i still have ovaries which means i still cycle
and some months it’s easy to figure out
and other months… not so much
but after 3 days of the corners of my mouth refusing to point upwards towards my eyes…
i figured out that i was pms-ing
just call me grumpy
nothing that a long lovely romp in the hay wouldn’t fix
though i’m rolling around in the hay by myself
so… yeah… not so helpful…
whatever

i saw x2’s brother last week
this b-i-l spent nearly every weekend at our home for … years …
it was a love/hate/love relationship
he is the one who put the scar on my forehead
and he, much like x2, struggles with alcoholism
and he, much like x2, has this incredible way with words and actions that makes it nearly impossible to dislike him
emphasis on the “nearly”
this was the first time since moving back that i’ve spoken with him
and it was… odd… and yet nice
he, much like x2, spent a fair amount of time with my daughters
and there’s this tremendous amount of heartache associated with the divorce and the alcoholism and the wishing things were different
i was reminded of a time when my youngest had brought home headlice from school. the school was struggling with an epidemic (their words, not mine) and when she arrived home once again (after months of us cleaning her head and cleaning the house and cleaning the car and cleaningcleaningcleaning), she arrived home with them once again. only this time it was to her dad’s house and he refused to let her in. i picked up my very sad, humiliated daughter at his door – in tears (hers, not mine). as we sat in the kitchen once again shampooing her hair, “uncle” arrived for his weekend stay. when he saw her in tears, he wanted to know why. when he heard the story of her father refusing to let her in, he actually found a way to make her laugh – he allowed her to shampoo his hair with the lice-free shampoo and they sat in the kitchen like chums waiting for the “effects”. this was just one event…
so, yeah… difficult to see him – the push pull love/hate/love filling all of our eyes and making our hearts ache
my daughters and i talked about it late sunday evening…
so hard to love someone and also know that a relationship with them is not a healthy relationship…
lessons learned
hearts broken
feet forward…
onward

my lovely naked friend writes so lovely
about viewing herself in the mirror
and that is something i struggle with
daily
self-loathing is hard habit to break
i’m just sayin’

summer concerts are starting
as is shakepeare in the park
i’m excited about it all
and ready for a possible weekend on the coast with my babies and C and her baby
and the hope is that she’ll have another baby “on board” at that time
so…
not only onward…
let’s say upward too
shall we?